In hindsight, I may have lived the rest of my life and couldn't have picked a more beautiful evening to die. Her timing was impeccable, because she loved me in the sickest of ways. The ideal is to kill a child so happy they could die. Wipe their future pain and suffering off the face of the earth on the most wonderful of nights.
Only she never could have known that nothing was wiped clean until the day she saw me again. But my mother loved me, she said, and she had only wished to protect me. They were going to take me away, and then terrible things would have happened. In a mind so ill, any form of love oozes out as poison. Of course terrible things would have happened, but worse has been the preventative measure.
A textbook example of some lucky boy's wishes for his final day on the planet Earth. My family and I were aboard the cruise ship Paradise. Mother granted me my darkest desires. I ate no dinner that night, but only dessert, until I was quite nearly sick. My brother slept early but I was allowed past my bedtime. So I danced around on the deck beneath the stars and listened to the music being played below deck for some crowd of dancing adults or another. No night could have ever been more perfect.
Looking over the railing, we were going a considerable speed, and the cruise ship Paradise left a wake behind it to make the Titanic jealous. And I was plucking beads off some glitzy plastic necklace I'd swiped, throwing them into the water, but it was too dark to see where they landed.
A hand rested stiffly on my shoulder, and mother's eyes were staring down at me. Years, those hands had left bruises. That day, I'd received nothing but love.
That night, I received a push. Over the edge and into the sea. I could scarcely make out the silhouette of the ship as I surfaced, sputtering for air, but I could see the gayest of carnival lights fading off into the night, and a trail of cheerful music swam through the air as I kicked in the water to stay afloat.
There is a lot to be said about dying. About the short time before the water pulled me under. Gasping for air and finding only water. Closing in. Darkness. Sinking away to never be found again. A mother never punished for murdering her youngest child. A father who supported that she'd been a wonderful mother. A brother who most likely forgot his little sibling ever existed.
But above all else, it was a beautiful night.